This is so evocative, Holly. Mouth-watering. I only once travelled completely solo, in New Zealand, and it was exhilarating.
"But at least you could have written about it privately so I could make something of it now." Ha! This is my gripe with myself when I look back at diaries. Yes, angst, I KNOW! It's what they're for. But why didn't I just observe more, or note more of what I observed, or expand more on the note! Why didn't I think about what would interest me 40 years down the line?! Still, I learn something about myself seeing what I left out!
I recognize those lousy travel notes from the past! What a gorgeous memory. I especially love how and when you showed us the useless notebooks so the narrative itself went into free fall, or free flow, and you allowed us to know it. That some details might be remembered, some embellished for narrative’s sake. You once dared to travel, and now you were writing with as much daring, as much entry into the unknown. The notebook is an important part of the story, as you tell it, to bring back that feeling of magic and awe.
Oh, Tara, this is such a wonderful comment. Thank you. I really love that you pointed out that free fall that necessarily takes place in all memoir writing really but especially during periods where there is little but memory to rely on. It means a lot coming from you. 😊
Holly, I’ve just been thinking that I’ve pulled back and am no longer exploring / traveling on my own and that I miss it! I’m feeling timid and constricted. And yes I love your question about looking back at an old journal and not finding either the interior or exterior observations you’re looking for. Thanks for this evocative post!
Thanks, Debbie! I feel like you've been doing a different kind of exploring lately--with all your work and podcasting and growth (congrats on your recent milestone here!!) and such maybe?
And I do know that feeling of timidity and constriction that can settle over me for different periods of my life. It's not a thing I enjoy.
Those images, right?! You know about Wikiart, yes? New to me and ups my illustration game. (I do so enjoy illustrating an essay.) You can run searches and find stuff to use in the public domain. I think these two were, finally, the result of a search for "in motion" and "planet earth."
Sublime, Holly. You took me there. I wonder, if you’d had notes from long ago, whether you would have written this as a memory of how you felt rather than of what actually happened. You found the essence here and it’s lovely. ❤️
Thank you, Ramona! I love having you with me anytime, anywhere. 💕
I’ve been thinking a lot lately—because of a couple project I’m working on simultaneously, one from a period well noted and another with not much at all by way of record—about the role of both presence and absence of relics in memoir writing. I think both are interesting and full of possibilities and speak to some sort of truth of the way we humans record and engage and show up with only as much as we can see through our perspectives and our attempts to widen them.
I think about memory a lot now that I’m older. Is it reliable? Does it matter? If our memories are the essence of who we were when that thing happened can we possibly relate to it in the same way now, years later? Are we remembering a fiction because that’s how we want to remember it or is it embedded and always accurate?
Hahaha, same queries over here. Except for the time on my hands part. I find myself yearning for more of it--which I think is something I should stop doing. But some things have to be left for future evolution, right? 🤣
You fill my head with nostalgia Holly, I rebelled against my parents desire of further education to travel Asia, sometimes solo, other times with hikers like me who just wanted to feel a different world than the one their parents envisioned for them…
They were hedonistic, often messed up days of that sky you speak so eloquently of, dusty roads that made me wonder where the next town or village was and complete freedom to do as I pleased, I felt invisible until I wasn’t.
Now, I would say to my younger self, listen to your parents, get educated then travel… there is time, the world is waiting for you and it will be a kinder place to be if you don’t carry the heavy weight of guilt in your pack!
Ooof, the weight of guilt in your pack. I get that. On the other hand, learning to lighten it, to fill it with helium and watch it rise (at long last, still getting there) is a whole journey unto itself maybe.
Asia remains on my list. Some day.
Thank you, Susie, ever so much for reading and sharing. I really love the sentiment in the message "there is time" and the ways the world will be a kinder place when things are done in the "right" time. 😊
I guess the trick is knowing when the time is right for all things... that's not always so easy - At 60 years old I think I'm learning though (albeit slowly) ! 🙃xx
Dusty and tender. A beautiful essay, Holly. Having just turned 60, I recognize the older woman. Working on a manuscript about a recent pilgrimage, I’ve had similar moments combing through my notebook wondering why I wrote so little.
I've found it such an interesting thing about memoir writing--the relics from the past or lack thereof and learning how to weave whatever is true in. The pieces I share here are more or less randomly from different travels at many different times. And I'm also working on a manuscript that spans two times, one of which I have almost no writing from so am searching for other forms of verification and reminders. It's all fodder really, the presence and the absence.
Thank you, Holly, for that beautiful piece of writing. I spent 6 years in Ecuador and it has a special place in my heart. I don't have any notebooks to help me remember anything, but now I have your writing, which is way better.
I so look forward to reading your writing each week, Holly. It is the culinary equivalent of a 5-star banquet. Everything compliments everything else, so much is going on description wise both internally and externally that evocation is inevitable. It’s delicious! And today’s instalment was particularly enjoyable. I was going to pick out some parts I really liked but it felt wrong to single things out as the whole thing together had that magical quality of being more than the sum of its parts.
Gahhhhhhh! Michael, letting this comment wash over me. I feel so fortunate to have connected with you here, my friend. You're a beautiful reader and a beautiful writer. And it's a wonderful combination.
This is one of my favorite chapters yet. I felt myself sitting aside your younger self, the sweat and smells and sideways sun, all companions in her world of trust. Or at least that’s how I interpreted it. She took risks because she knew she needed them and would always land on her feet. Is this what you needed to forgive her for? The bold naïveté of youth? Or is it something else? I don’t need you to answer here, just enjoying the space this chapter opened in me and the searching, vulnerable hand of your current self reaching back to your youth for healing. So beautiful.
The sun and its glassy ocean twin - I won’t forget that. This is a stunning piece, Holly. I kept waiting for Something to Go Wrong, and it didn’t, which was the point. Really wonderful.
Thank you, Elizabeth! That description was (thankfully) pared down from a spew of various adjectives that took turns filling in in different drafts. So, I looooove that you liked it.
Hearing a flute we’re almost certain no one was playing. That's good goosebumpy stuff, Holly! You posed the question: "When has a ride or some other need shown up at just the right time?"
Years ago I was saturated with rain, everything rubbing the wrong way on my long walk to work. A van slowed and a stranger bellowed out. I surprised myself by saying "yes" to a ride and when he suggested I get in the back, I did. In a nanosecond, fear swallowed me. I couldn't wait to get out and realized how foolish I had been and how differently this story could have ended. He was a thoughtful human, simply being kind but we never truly know what we are saying yes to. I've never forgotten that terrible rush of anguish. It made me cautious, which was needed.
Jules, I'm so glad you picked up on this line. That's a whole other essay to itself (and may become one someday). That old partner and I are still friends. And every once in awhile one of us will be like, "You remember that time ...?" It was really otherworldly. We were exploring these ruins that were pretty few and far between with a lot of flat desert so you could see for what felt like miles. We'd come to it on a completely empty road, and it very much felt like no one else was out there. But it was a plan flute as clear as anything and not far off. It was one of those things I would have for sure questioned my memory about if there hadn't been two of us there. (And I do anyway.)
OMG! Thank you for sharing this van story. I can so imagine the fear that must have gone through you. I'm glad he was a thoughtful human looking out for a stranger--which is honestly the case most of the time, I believe. Sad but true that because of the exceptions, caution is a necessary component of the way we move through the world.
Thanks for sharing your story Jules. It reminds me of something similar. Long before cell phones, my car broke down during a winter storm in downtown Oklahoma City. I was able to pull off the freeway and begin walking to my husband’s office. It didn’t seem too far, but the windchill factor was 65°F below zero. Almost immediately a man stopped to offer me a ride and it did not feel safe so I politely declined. I continued walking into the wind and within half a block felt like my face was freezing off. Another man stopped to offer a ride and I didn’t hesitate for a moment. Who knows what would’ve happened if I had taken the first ride, but the second ride was fine.
Oh, Grace, I'm so glad you took the second ride. That kind of cold truly scares me.
And isn't it crazy to look back and think of all the turns and doors and almost and wonder if any of them would have led to very different outcomes than the lives we look back on?
Hi Grace! Did you ever see Sliding Doors (with Gywneth Paltrow)? It was a 1998 rom-com that followed her character's life in two separate directions---if she caught the train and in the second scenario, if she missed the train after work. It really makes you think twice (no pun there) about the consequences of decisions and indecisions in life. Thanks for sharing your story too. Let's all hope for human kindness first.
Jules, have you seen Dark Matter? Out recently. About all the possible worlds being on a plane nearby. It's a philosophical concept I love, and I dug the way the show presented it.
I haven't! Thanks for your suggestion, Holly. I've added it to my growing Apple+ list (we are drifters---we have Prime + Netflix and then flirt with Crave or Apple when enough series pull us in that direction). The concept sounds similar to The Adjustment Bureau (old Matt Damon flick) and The Butterfly Effect (Ashton Kutcher). I love these Hollywood twists on reality and possibility.
Thanks for the link, Jules! My kids were still watching TV, so Friends was on in the background a lot and they gave me a synopsis. After the DVD release it became one of my all-time favorite sitcoms.
And now I'm tearing up a little. Thank you so much, Noha, for commenting and sharing. It means so much. :) Such a joy to have writer friends and to share in the delights of each other's words.
Fabulous writing Holly, it speaks to me every time. Reminds me of when I was travelling solo into Mexico aged 24, from Belize by bus. The border guard denied me entry. Said I had to go back to the capital for the correct stamp. I had to hitchhike alone as the sun was going down. You captured the feeling of being on the road in unknown territory so well …The beauty and terror of a moment that may or may not end badly. I made it back to the capital, my stamp was correct but I insisted that the official stamp it again several times to be sure. Not before he tried to grab my breasts as payment. Got through the border the next day ok , different border guard and the bus driver stood by me to make sure they didn’t try to play cat and mouse with me again. Ah the joys of solo travel in Central America! Great to meet you yesterday in Laurie’s workshop, love all your stories from the road!
Whoa! Jan, what an experience. Thank you for sharing. Back to Belize after dark! "The beauty and terror of a moment that may or may not end badly." Love it. Well put. Sooo glad you made it back to the capital with stories to tell and a little beauty and terror to add to your "pack."
I once had a Canadian border guard try to prevent me entrance--to Canada! I was taken aback. But that's a whole other story.
Yes, what an absolute pleasure to meet you--both at Laurie's and through Tom's Speedy Boarding as well. (I'll be answering his Q&A next month.) Looking forward to checking out more of your work!
Oh yes, I’ve had that happen going into Canada as well, into Vancouver. They didn’t believe my story( that I’d been asked to leave the US due to a small visa violation) they thought I was making it up? Also coming back into US via a small border town from Canada, same thing. Looking forward to your speedy boarding!
This is so evocative, Holly. Mouth-watering. I only once travelled completely solo, in New Zealand, and it was exhilarating.
"But at least you could have written about it privately so I could make something of it now." Ha! This is my gripe with myself when I look back at diaries. Yes, angst, I KNOW! It's what they're for. But why didn't I just observe more, or note more of what I observed, or expand more on the note! Why didn't I think about what would interest me 40 years down the line?! Still, I learn something about myself seeing what I left out!
Oh, such a wise point, Wendy. The absence is a lesson. It's a special kind of attention to imbibe the meanings of silences and white spaces.
Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting and sharing. I so very much appreciate meeting you here in the comments.
And New Zealand! Wow, I can only imagine how exhilarating that must have been. It is for sure one of the many places on my list. 🇳🇿
I recognize those lousy travel notes from the past! What a gorgeous memory. I especially love how and when you showed us the useless notebooks so the narrative itself went into free fall, or free flow, and you allowed us to know it. That some details might be remembered, some embellished for narrative’s sake. You once dared to travel, and now you were writing with as much daring, as much entry into the unknown. The notebook is an important part of the story, as you tell it, to bring back that feeling of magic and awe.
Oh, Tara, this is such a wonderful comment. Thank you. I really love that you pointed out that free fall that necessarily takes place in all memoir writing really but especially during periods where there is little but memory to rely on. It means a lot coming from you. 😊
❤️❤️
Holly, I’ve just been thinking that I’ve pulled back and am no longer exploring / traveling on my own and that I miss it! I’m feeling timid and constricted. And yes I love your question about looking back at an old journal and not finding either the interior or exterior observations you’re looking for. Thanks for this evocative post!
Thanks, Debbie! I feel like you've been doing a different kind of exploring lately--with all your work and podcasting and growth (congrats on your recent milestone here!!) and such maybe?
And I do know that feeling of timidity and constriction that can settle over me for different periods of my life. It's not a thing I enjoy.
Thank you again. I much appreciate you.
Stunning, my friend. As always, I can't wait to hear more. Till then, these images—whoosh. Thank you.
♥️💕!!
Those images, right?! You know about Wikiart, yes? New to me and ups my illustration game. (I do so enjoy illustrating an essay.) You can run searches and find stuff to use in the public domain. I think these two were, finally, the result of a search for "in motion" and "planet earth."
Thank you!
omg you’re adorable I meant the imagery in your writing xo
Hahaha! Even better. :)
Sublime, Holly. You took me there. I wonder, if you’d had notes from long ago, whether you would have written this as a memory of how you felt rather than of what actually happened. You found the essence here and it’s lovely. ❤️
Thank you, Ramona! I love having you with me anytime, anywhere. 💕
I’ve been thinking a lot lately—because of a couple project I’m working on simultaneously, one from a period well noted and another with not much at all by way of record—about the role of both presence and absence of relics in memoir writing. I think both are interesting and full of possibilities and speak to some sort of truth of the way we humans record and engage and show up with only as much as we can see through our perspectives and our attempts to widen them.
I think about memory a lot now that I’m older. Is it reliable? Does it matter? If our memories are the essence of who we were when that thing happened can we possibly relate to it in the same way now, years later? Are we remembering a fiction because that’s how we want to remember it or is it embedded and always accurate?
And do I have way too much time on my hands??
Hahaha, same queries over here. Except for the time on my hands part. I find myself yearning for more of it--which I think is something I should stop doing. But some things have to be left for future evolution, right? 🤣
You fill my head with nostalgia Holly, I rebelled against my parents desire of further education to travel Asia, sometimes solo, other times with hikers like me who just wanted to feel a different world than the one their parents envisioned for them…
They were hedonistic, often messed up days of that sky you speak so eloquently of, dusty roads that made me wonder where the next town or village was and complete freedom to do as I pleased, I felt invisible until I wasn’t.
Now, I would say to my younger self, listen to your parents, get educated then travel… there is time, the world is waiting for you and it will be a kinder place to be if you don’t carry the heavy weight of guilt in your pack!
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏽
Ooof, the weight of guilt in your pack. I get that. On the other hand, learning to lighten it, to fill it with helium and watch it rise (at long last, still getting there) is a whole journey unto itself maybe.
Asia remains on my list. Some day.
Thank you, Susie, ever so much for reading and sharing. I really love the sentiment in the message "there is time" and the ways the world will be a kinder place when things are done in the "right" time. 😊
I guess the trick is knowing when the time is right for all things... that's not always so easy - At 60 years old I think I'm learning though (albeit slowly) ! 🙃xx
Same 🤪
You're a hell of lot braver than I've ever been. My hat is off to you. Now I must go back to wher you started.
PS most of my early diaries consisted of "Oh I love him so much" interspersed with what I'd had for supper. Thank you for this adventure1
My head was for sure filled with a whole lot of the, "Oh I love him so much" ilk, and it's there in early diaries, even if between the lines. 🤣
Thank you ever so much for reading and commenting! It truly means a lot.
😂 I can relate Abigail.
How is it that I'm just now subscribing to the treasure house of this publication?
The fluid movement of time in this piece is a writing lesson. Thank you, Holly.
Oh my, Paulette, thank you so much. I am letting this comment wash over me.
I so very much appreciate you reading and sharing this.
🥰
Dusty and tender. A beautiful essay, Holly. Having just turned 60, I recognize the older woman. Working on a manuscript about a recent pilgrimage, I’ve had similar moments combing through my notebook wondering why I wrote so little.
"Dusty and tender"🥰
Thank you, thank you.
I've found it such an interesting thing about memoir writing--the relics from the past or lack thereof and learning how to weave whatever is true in. The pieces I share here are more or less randomly from different travels at many different times. And I'm also working on a manuscript that spans two times, one of which I have almost no writing from so am searching for other forms of verification and reminders. It's all fodder really, the presence and the absence.
Thank you, Holly, for that beautiful piece of writing. I spent 6 years in Ecuador and it has a special place in my heart. I don't have any notebooks to help me remember anything, but now I have your writing, which is way better.
I thought of you and your time in Ecuador when I posted this. I only had a few months there. Six years sounds amazing.
Thank you, Jeffrey. I always so much appreciate meeting you here in my comments section, as well as over in yours.
The feeling’s mutual!
I so look forward to reading your writing each week, Holly. It is the culinary equivalent of a 5-star banquet. Everything compliments everything else, so much is going on description wise both internally and externally that evocation is inevitable. It’s delicious! And today’s instalment was particularly enjoyable. I was going to pick out some parts I really liked but it felt wrong to single things out as the whole thing together had that magical quality of being more than the sum of its parts.
So I’ll just say, Bravo! :)
Gahhhhhhh! Michael, letting this comment wash over me. I feel so fortunate to have connected with you here, my friend. You're a beautiful reader and a beautiful writer. And it's a wonderful combination.
The feeling is mutual, my friend :)
I completely agree, Michael, that “…the whole thing together had that magical quality of being more than the sum of its parts.”
This is one of my favorite chapters yet. I felt myself sitting aside your younger self, the sweat and smells and sideways sun, all companions in her world of trust. Or at least that’s how I interpreted it. She took risks because she knew she needed them and would always land on her feet. Is this what you needed to forgive her for? The bold naïveté of youth? Or is it something else? I don’t need you to answer here, just enjoying the space this chapter opened in me and the searching, vulnerable hand of your current self reaching back to your youth for healing. So beautiful.
All companions in deed.
I love this comment, Kimberly. It opens up space in me. What a lovely return.
🥰
very beautiful, also I completely relate to the lack of decent notes taken -__-
Thank you!
And yet, I'm not terrific at the daily note taking in this moment. Sorry, future me! I will try. 🤪
😂
The sun and its glassy ocean twin - I won’t forget that. This is a stunning piece, Holly. I kept waiting for Something to Go Wrong, and it didn’t, which was the point. Really wonderful.
Thank you, Elizabeth! That description was (thankfully) pared down from a spew of various adjectives that took turns filling in in different drafts. So, I looooove that you liked it.
PS. New photo, right?! Love it!!! 🥰
Yes! I decided to let Athena’s owl take a break. Thanks for noticing!
Hearing a flute we’re almost certain no one was playing. That's good goosebumpy stuff, Holly! You posed the question: "When has a ride or some other need shown up at just the right time?"
Years ago I was saturated with rain, everything rubbing the wrong way on my long walk to work. A van slowed and a stranger bellowed out. I surprised myself by saying "yes" to a ride and when he suggested I get in the back, I did. In a nanosecond, fear swallowed me. I couldn't wait to get out and realized how foolish I had been and how differently this story could have ended. He was a thoughtful human, simply being kind but we never truly know what we are saying yes to. I've never forgotten that terrible rush of anguish. It made me cautious, which was needed.
Jules, I'm so glad you picked up on this line. That's a whole other essay to itself (and may become one someday). That old partner and I are still friends. And every once in awhile one of us will be like, "You remember that time ...?" It was really otherworldly. We were exploring these ruins that were pretty few and far between with a lot of flat desert so you could see for what felt like miles. We'd come to it on a completely empty road, and it very much felt like no one else was out there. But it was a plan flute as clear as anything and not far off. It was one of those things I would have for sure questioned my memory about if there hadn't been two of us there. (And I do anyway.)
OMG! Thank you for sharing this van story. I can so imagine the fear that must have gone through you. I'm glad he was a thoughtful human looking out for a stranger--which is honestly the case most of the time, I believe. Sad but true that because of the exceptions, caution is a necessary component of the way we move through the world.
Thanks for sharing your story Jules. It reminds me of something similar. Long before cell phones, my car broke down during a winter storm in downtown Oklahoma City. I was able to pull off the freeway and begin walking to my husband’s office. It didn’t seem too far, but the windchill factor was 65°F below zero. Almost immediately a man stopped to offer me a ride and it did not feel safe so I politely declined. I continued walking into the wind and within half a block felt like my face was freezing off. Another man stopped to offer a ride and I didn’t hesitate for a moment. Who knows what would’ve happened if I had taken the first ride, but the second ride was fine.
Oh, Grace, I'm so glad you took the second ride. That kind of cold truly scares me.
And isn't it crazy to look back and think of all the turns and doors and almost and wonder if any of them would have led to very different outcomes than the lives we look back on?
Holly, did you read the Choose Your Own Adventure series as a kid? It was exactly this!
Hi Grace! Did you ever see Sliding Doors (with Gywneth Paltrow)? It was a 1998 rom-com that followed her character's life in two separate directions---if she caught the train and in the second scenario, if she missed the train after work. It really makes you think twice (no pun there) about the consequences of decisions and indecisions in life. Thanks for sharing your story too. Let's all hope for human kindness first.
Jules, have you seen Dark Matter? Out recently. About all the possible worlds being on a plane nearby. It's a philosophical concept I love, and I dug the way the show presented it.
I haven't! Thanks for your suggestion, Holly. I've added it to my growing Apple+ list (we are drifters---we have Prime + Netflix and then flirt with Crave or Apple when enough series pull us in that direction). The concept sounds similar to The Adjustment Bureau (old Matt Damon flick) and The Butterfly Effect (Ashton Kutcher). I love these Hollywood twists on reality and possibility.
Jules, I quit watching commercial TV in 1996, so no, but I can look for it on streaming. I do like rom-com. Thanks for the recommendation. G:-)
Since 1996? Well, at least you know the Friends cast. And Thirtysomething ended in 1991. After that, well, several bookcases have fallen over in the wake of reality TV. Looks like you can stream Sliding Doors here on plex.tv (from Canada at least): https://watch.plex.tv/watch/movie/sliding-doors?utm_content=5d9f34fa9dd5f4001e842bb2&utm_medium=deeplink&utm_source=google-catalog
Thanks for the link, Jules! My kids were still watching TV, so Friends was on in the background a lot and they gave me a synopsis. After the DVD release it became one of my all-time favorite sitcoms.
I felt this in my heart and in the center of my gut, and also in my eyes that got a bit teary. Beautiful.
And now I'm tearing up a little. Thank you so much, Noha, for commenting and sharing. It means so much. :) Such a joy to have writer friends and to share in the delights of each other's words.
🥰🥰🥰🥰
Fabulous writing Holly, it speaks to me every time. Reminds me of when I was travelling solo into Mexico aged 24, from Belize by bus. The border guard denied me entry. Said I had to go back to the capital for the correct stamp. I had to hitchhike alone as the sun was going down. You captured the feeling of being on the road in unknown territory so well …The beauty and terror of a moment that may or may not end badly. I made it back to the capital, my stamp was correct but I insisted that the official stamp it again several times to be sure. Not before he tried to grab my breasts as payment. Got through the border the next day ok , different border guard and the bus driver stood by me to make sure they didn’t try to play cat and mouse with me again. Ah the joys of solo travel in Central America! Great to meet you yesterday in Laurie’s workshop, love all your stories from the road!
Whoa! Jan, what an experience. Thank you for sharing. Back to Belize after dark! "The beauty and terror of a moment that may or may not end badly." Love it. Well put. Sooo glad you made it back to the capital with stories to tell and a little beauty and terror to add to your "pack."
I once had a Canadian border guard try to prevent me entrance--to Canada! I was taken aback. But that's a whole other story.
Yes, what an absolute pleasure to meet you--both at Laurie's and through Tom's Speedy Boarding as well. (I'll be answering his Q&A next month.) Looking forward to checking out more of your work!
Oh yes, I’ve had that happen going into Canada as well, into Vancouver. They didn’t believe my story( that I’d been asked to leave the US due to a small visa violation) they thought I was making it up? Also coming back into US via a small border town from Canada, same thing. Looking forward to your speedy boarding!
Oh, Canada. ;)