What an incredibly beautiful, horrific, and thought provoking post Holly. As difficult as it must have been for you to relive your gun incident by writing this essay, you've taken your traumatic experience and wove it seamlessly into the terrible truth of guns in America. I think because I grew up in a city (Fresno, California, USA) with several competing gangs and a high crime rate, I became numb to hearing about weekly shootings on the news. So in 2015 when I first moved to Vancouver Island (British Columbia, Canada) with my husband Johnny, I was amazed that the top news stories on Vancouver Island were often things like a local logging protest, a humpback whale was hit by a ship, or a business burned down. I don't think we heard of a shooting in our area of the island until sometime in 2018. Admittedly there is growing gun violence but it is still weeks, or a few months, before you hear of a shooting. I also discovered that in order to have a handgun, you must take a gun safety course. And you must keep the gun unloaded in your house, and the ammo can't be near the unloaded gun. So basically in Canada they make it difficult to get shot. If you ask the typical American "What do you believe to be your fundamental right?" they will typically answer, "The right to bear arms." But when you ask the same question of a Canadian, they overwhelmingly answer, "The right to healthcare." Now wonder the difference in the culture.
But here's the thing I've noticed from having lived in an unsafe world and a very safe area: there will always be thugs with guns, people who're enraged who pull out their gun, people who're sociopaths who don't care about your safety when they go to shoot someone at the gym where you're just working out. I feel so bad that these are the risks you take living the nomadic life journey that you're on. But I sense from the maturity in your writing that you have already learned that you learn from both the good and the bad. Stay safe Holly!
Thank you for reading and for sharing your own experiences. And wow, letting the idea of health care being among the first things we ALL thought of for ourselves and all our fellow human beings when we imagined our fundamental rights wash its warmth over me.
Itt's true, people get enraged--and hopeless and wounded and desperately lonely and to a place where it feels like nothing will get better--everywhere. I mean, I think we all do, sometimes. And there's a massive chasm when it comes to access to resources, to community, and to weapons.
It's funny maybe. I rarely find writing essays difficult in a "reliving" of a trauma sense. I think it's because I love the writing--the witnessing of the being that was the Holly who experienced the thing from the perspective of the Holly creature now and the finding of the words to create what feels true and real out that and the finding of connections in that creation. I'm not sure I'm saying it quite right. But there IS a heaviness, for sure, as I think of the reasons I felt compelled to tell this story now.
I'm not sure if being privy to gun violence is necessarily increased by my nomadic life. But I sooooo much appreciate your wisdom and your well wishes and your thoughtful engaging with my stories. Not to mention your own wonderful Stack. Such a joy to read about your journey with the dogs and your unique brand of detective work and your following your heart to be your own ... "shark person," was it? Love it! Thanks for sharing, my friend!
Question - In Canada, do law enforcement officers carry guns? Years ago, I met a woman who visited NY from UK and was amazed at how the officers in Time Square carried assault rifles. Didn’t realize how desensitized I was to seeing such a powerful weapon carried on any given day while I went to work.
Beautifully written and so many thoughts. But I loved the way you described this scene with the Spanish speaking couple. I could literally feel you the tension and you grappling with trying to find the words.
Thank you, Marc. I remember that moment with them vividly--like almost in a time slowing way. They were so happy and then so distraught. And losing the word was like a signpost, marking the confusion, in my brain and around me.
Holly, this was equal parts incredible and harrowing.
The writing is wonderful, I was totally gripped by the story. And the events of the story are terrifying.
I found your reflections at the end, extremely poignant and powerful.
I also liked the way you found a companion for that moment to help process the trauma together. That felt like a testament to how people can come together in times of crisis. And it was just as interesting that that companionship was severed just as quickly.
This was a great piece, Holly.
Ohh, and below are a few lines I really liked, but there were many more.
“I was on a stair machine, climbing nowhere...”
“Then came the steps embedded in communal muscle memory.”
“wielding it like an extension of his frustration—unwieldily and imprecise, a juxtaposition of the implement’s reality, cold, hard, rigid.” — that was brilliant writing!
Thank you, Michael. I sooooo appreciate your perspective and engagement.
Yeah, it was really great to have found someone to process with in that moment. We're such pack animals, we humans. To be seen, to belong, to cooperate--we are so very much to each other. I think, conversely, the lack of the vital connection or feeling a part of it or without a role in it is one of the very things that leads to incidents with guns. Our very humanness can both make us come together in powerfully life-giving ways and lash out in ways that can be the opposite.
I don't know what happened for him as to the unspoken abrupt ending of the connection. For me, seeing the young gym employee alone, cleaning up was so jolting and heartbreaking it became a private grief. Or maybe it showed me my nerves had become raw and tender enough that I was ready to share more only in a deeper connection. At any rate, I'm grateful for my friend and the connection while it lasted.
Holly, Thank you for this beautiful share and well crafted writing. I could relate so well to your concerns that you still not only needed to find somewhere to sleep that night, but somewhere you felt safe. I was urging you on: "get a hotel room" and I felt so relieved for you when you revealed that you in fact did just that. I don't know if you run your budget as tight as I do when I'm living on the road, but personally I have to be pretty worn down/stressed/or feeling unsafe to splurge on a hotel and I understand that stress of finding somewhere to be for a night -- so much more stressful in an urban environment! Thank you for taking care of yourself.
And for crafting a beautiful piece that relates your experience to the larger world and unfortunately daily happenings, and for sharing resources. With love...
That is SOO true. I'm glad you see that. Heather is a brave soul and a badass with a gentle heart. :) (She's also a writer and has a sweet adventure blog I'm trying to convince her to bring over here.) ;)
Heather, thank you. You get it. Yes, I do try to keep the hotel nights to a minimum. But I absolutely allow myself them when I need a refreshing. I think my not immediately thinking hotel that night (I actually went to a park and tried to convince myself it would be fine) was a testament to how shaken up I was. Then a lightbulb went off, and I was like, Of course, girl, get thee to a hotel!
Excited to read about your most recent adventures :).
The fact that I don’t even remember hearing about this shooting in the city where my sister lives is testament to how ordinary this event has become. “Only” one victim, not fatal -- therefore not newsworthy outside a local market I guess. I wonder if my sister even heard about it. My daughter lived in Boulder less than a mile from the King Soopers shooting there at her regular grocery store. The place where, she said, “since COVID I’ve spent more time than anywhere except my own home.” She saw the police cars massing when she was out for a walk on a nearby street. A little too close to home for me. I try to understand the fears of people worried about their 2nd Amendment rights, but our right to not be shot in public seems to get lost and somehow seem controversial. Not knowing how to find middle ground feels so frustrating. Thanks for making us remember this should not feel “routine.”
Oh that is WAY too close from home. And, yeah, the fact of how terribly unreachable a middle ground seems is hard to sit with. Thanks for sharing, Louise.
Not an ordeal I wish on any of us--none of the parts, mine and the others of us there, the guy with the bullet wound, the guy who had the gun to turn to when frustration got the best of him, the young employee cleaning up after the fact.
Thanks again, for commenting and sharing. Can't wait for the next post over on your stack. :)
I loved the part of your essay where you wonder what would happen if we didn't have guns accessible when our human frustration boils over. It was so well described. People have the good and the bad in them. But allowing something so powerful and destructive to be so readily available can only ellicit more of the bad. You put it so well.
My next one will be out tomorrow morning. Thx for following along. 🙏🏽
@Marco Typo yes, RCMP officers and other municipal police officers DO carry guns in Canada. They seldom have to use them, but in 2021 they shot and killed a man who stabbed (and killed0 A POLICE k9 and his handler and that just rarely happens. I've also heard that Bobbies in the UK don't carry guns, but I suspect times have changed with that, but I'm not positive. All I know is that after 8 years of living up here, I actually feel fairly SAFE and like I don't need my head on a swivel like I did most of the time in the states.
I moved from NYC to Alabama. Everyone here has guns. My wife’s brother, doesn’t wear a belt. He says if his pants feels too loose he knows he forgot it. I’m faced with a hard reality now- do I get one too? I feel safe - but I have a family and now, a son. What. A. Life.
Not an easy decision, especially with a small son. There might be other ways to feel more prepared other than feeling like you need to carry a gun to feel safe. Find a self defense course that you and your wife can take together. Learn about "situational awareness" so you both can become more observant and cautious around strangers and at-risk crowds (here's an article I found when I Googled situational awareness: https://www.asisonline.org/security-management-magazine/articles/2022/09/how-to-improve-your-situational-awareness/). Develop a plan for what you'd do if you were both car jacked, the victim of a home invasion, or in the midst of an active shooter incident. Its the harsh reality of life in the USA that gun violence is so rampant. Whatever happened to good old days of fist fights?
Whenever I come down into the states, it is forefront in my mind that I am no longer in Mayberry RFD (Google it) which is how I feel life is like where I live now. It is dangerous having so many guns out there in the hands of unstable people, pissed off people, jealous people, vindictive people, intoxicated or high people, suicidal people, homicidal people, revengeful people, serial killers, disturbed terrorists, gang members, and I'm sure there's more. And because of that, I seriously doubt I will ever move back to the USA again. As much as I truly love America and miss my family and many friends in the states, I just can't imagine life sweeter than Vancouver Island.
Thank you for sharing, seriously. I guess I never thought about those scenarios before. I am sure, and given your related experience you would agree, most people don't.
Holly, this is an incredible piece of writing. I’m so deeply sorry you experienced this—and so grateful that you decided to share your powerful perspective with us. ❤️
What an incredibly beautiful, horrific, and thought provoking post Holly. As difficult as it must have been for you to relive your gun incident by writing this essay, you've taken your traumatic experience and wove it seamlessly into the terrible truth of guns in America. I think because I grew up in a city (Fresno, California, USA) with several competing gangs and a high crime rate, I became numb to hearing about weekly shootings on the news. So in 2015 when I first moved to Vancouver Island (British Columbia, Canada) with my husband Johnny, I was amazed that the top news stories on Vancouver Island were often things like a local logging protest, a humpback whale was hit by a ship, or a business burned down. I don't think we heard of a shooting in our area of the island until sometime in 2018. Admittedly there is growing gun violence but it is still weeks, or a few months, before you hear of a shooting. I also discovered that in order to have a handgun, you must take a gun safety course. And you must keep the gun unloaded in your house, and the ammo can't be near the unloaded gun. So basically in Canada they make it difficult to get shot. If you ask the typical American "What do you believe to be your fundamental right?" they will typically answer, "The right to bear arms." But when you ask the same question of a Canadian, they overwhelmingly answer, "The right to healthcare." Now wonder the difference in the culture.
But here's the thing I've noticed from having lived in an unsafe world and a very safe area: there will always be thugs with guns, people who're enraged who pull out their gun, people who're sociopaths who don't care about your safety when they go to shoot someone at the gym where you're just working out. I feel so bad that these are the risks you take living the nomadic life journey that you're on. But I sense from the maturity in your writing that you have already learned that you learn from both the good and the bad. Stay safe Holly!
Thank you for reading and for sharing your own experiences. And wow, letting the idea of health care being among the first things we ALL thought of for ourselves and all our fellow human beings when we imagined our fundamental rights wash its warmth over me.
Itt's true, people get enraged--and hopeless and wounded and desperately lonely and to a place where it feels like nothing will get better--everywhere. I mean, I think we all do, sometimes. And there's a massive chasm when it comes to access to resources, to community, and to weapons.
It's funny maybe. I rarely find writing essays difficult in a "reliving" of a trauma sense. I think it's because I love the writing--the witnessing of the being that was the Holly who experienced the thing from the perspective of the Holly creature now and the finding of the words to create what feels true and real out that and the finding of connections in that creation. I'm not sure I'm saying it quite right. But there IS a heaviness, for sure, as I think of the reasons I felt compelled to tell this story now.
I'm not sure if being privy to gun violence is necessarily increased by my nomadic life. But I sooooo much appreciate your wisdom and your well wishes and your thoughtful engaging with my stories. Not to mention your own wonderful Stack. Such a joy to read about your journey with the dogs and your unique brand of detective work and your following your heart to be your own ... "shark person," was it? Love it! Thanks for sharing, my friend!
Question - In Canada, do law enforcement officers carry guns? Years ago, I met a woman who visited NY from UK and was amazed at how the officers in Time Square carried assault rifles. Didn’t realize how desensitized I was to seeing such a powerful weapon carried on any given day while I went to work.
Beautifully written and so many thoughts. But I loved the way you described this scene with the Spanish speaking couple. I could literally feel you the tension and you grappling with trying to find the words.
Thank you, Marc. I remember that moment with them vividly--like almost in a time slowing way. They were so happy and then so distraught. And losing the word was like a signpost, marking the confusion, in my brain and around me.
I appreciate your thoughts!
Holly, this was equal parts incredible and harrowing.
The writing is wonderful, I was totally gripped by the story. And the events of the story are terrifying.
I found your reflections at the end, extremely poignant and powerful.
I also liked the way you found a companion for that moment to help process the trauma together. That felt like a testament to how people can come together in times of crisis. And it was just as interesting that that companionship was severed just as quickly.
This was a great piece, Holly.
Ohh, and below are a few lines I really liked, but there were many more.
“I was on a stair machine, climbing nowhere...”
“Then came the steps embedded in communal muscle memory.”
“wielding it like an extension of his frustration—unwieldily and imprecise, a juxtaposition of the implement’s reality, cold, hard, rigid.” — that was brilliant writing!
Thank you, Michael. I sooooo appreciate your perspective and engagement.
Yeah, it was really great to have found someone to process with in that moment. We're such pack animals, we humans. To be seen, to belong, to cooperate--we are so very much to each other. I think, conversely, the lack of the vital connection or feeling a part of it or without a role in it is one of the very things that leads to incidents with guns. Our very humanness can both make us come together in powerfully life-giving ways and lash out in ways that can be the opposite.
I don't know what happened for him as to the unspoken abrupt ending of the connection. For me, seeing the young gym employee alone, cleaning up was so jolting and heartbreaking it became a private grief. Or maybe it showed me my nerves had become raw and tender enough that I was ready to share more only in a deeper connection. At any rate, I'm grateful for my friend and the connection while it lasted.
At any rate, thank you again.
I think that is a really good point — our lack of vital connection can certainly be an impetus for such incidents.
And yes, from your story, it sounded like you two were connected for as long as you needed to be.
Thanks Holly.
Holly, Thank you for this beautiful share and well crafted writing. I could relate so well to your concerns that you still not only needed to find somewhere to sleep that night, but somewhere you felt safe. I was urging you on: "get a hotel room" and I felt so relieved for you when you revealed that you in fact did just that. I don't know if you run your budget as tight as I do when I'm living on the road, but personally I have to be pretty worn down/stressed/or feeling unsafe to splurge on a hotel and I understand that stress of finding somewhere to be for a night -- so much more stressful in an urban environment! Thank you for taking care of yourself.
And for crafting a beautiful piece that relates your experience to the larger world and unfortunately daily happenings, and for sharing resources. With love...
Stay safe out there Heather! You and Holly are both brave souls with gentle hearts.
That is SOO true. I'm glad you see that. Heather is a brave soul and a badass with a gentle heart. :) (She's also a writer and has a sweet adventure blog I'm trying to convince her to bring over here.) ;)
HEATHER, cross over to Substack and join the family! :)
Heather, thank you. You get it. Yes, I do try to keep the hotel nights to a minimum. But I absolutely allow myself them when I need a refreshing. I think my not immediately thinking hotel that night (I actually went to a park and tried to convince myself it would be fine) was a testament to how shaken up I was. Then a lightbulb went off, and I was like, Of course, girl, get thee to a hotel!
Excited to read about your most recent adventures :).
The fact that I don’t even remember hearing about this shooting in the city where my sister lives is testament to how ordinary this event has become. “Only” one victim, not fatal -- therefore not newsworthy outside a local market I guess. I wonder if my sister even heard about it. My daughter lived in Boulder less than a mile from the King Soopers shooting there at her regular grocery store. The place where, she said, “since COVID I’ve spent more time than anywhere except my own home.” She saw the police cars massing when she was out for a walk on a nearby street. A little too close to home for me. I try to understand the fears of people worried about their 2nd Amendment rights, but our right to not be shot in public seems to get lost and somehow seem controversial. Not knowing how to find middle ground feels so frustrating. Thanks for making us remember this should not feel “routine.”
Oh that is WAY too close from home. And, yeah, the fact of how terribly unreachable a middle ground seems is hard to sit with. Thanks for sharing, Louise.
I'm so sorry, Holly. This sounds like such an ordeal. The way you describe both the horror and the inevitability is poignant.
Noha! Thank you. It means a lot.
Not an ordeal I wish on any of us--none of the parts, mine and the others of us there, the guy with the bullet wound, the guy who had the gun to turn to when frustration got the best of him, the young employee cleaning up after the fact.
Thanks again, for commenting and sharing. Can't wait for the next post over on your stack. :)
I loved the part of your essay where you wonder what would happen if we didn't have guns accessible when our human frustration boils over. It was so well described. People have the good and the bad in them. But allowing something so powerful and destructive to be so readily available can only ellicit more of the bad. You put it so well.
My next one will be out tomorrow morning. Thx for following along. 🙏🏽
What a terrifying experience. I felt it, and you, and my heart was in my throat. Beautiful writing.
Thank you, Ramona. That means a lot.
It was terrifying. And also surreal. I was so disturbed by the employee cleaning up after and the gym just opening back up. It was business as usual.
Ah, life. And the beautiful and the insurmountable. Thanks for being one of those reflecting on it all and sharing in your own beautiful writing.
@Marco Typo yes, RCMP officers and other municipal police officers DO carry guns in Canada. They seldom have to use them, but in 2021 they shot and killed a man who stabbed (and killed0 A POLICE k9 and his handler and that just rarely happens. I've also heard that Bobbies in the UK don't carry guns, but I suspect times have changed with that, but I'm not positive. All I know is that after 8 years of living up here, I actually feel fairly SAFE and like I don't need my head on a swivel like I did most of the time in the states.
I moved from NYC to Alabama. Everyone here has guns. My wife’s brother, doesn’t wear a belt. He says if his pants feels too loose he knows he forgot it. I’m faced with a hard reality now- do I get one too? I feel safe - but I have a family and now, a son. What. A. Life.
Oh, wow, Marc. And the stakes feel so upped when a little one is involved. My heart is with you as you consider.
Not an easy decision, especially with a small son. There might be other ways to feel more prepared other than feeling like you need to carry a gun to feel safe. Find a self defense course that you and your wife can take together. Learn about "situational awareness" so you both can become more observant and cautious around strangers and at-risk crowds (here's an article I found when I Googled situational awareness: https://www.asisonline.org/security-management-magazine/articles/2022/09/how-to-improve-your-situational-awareness/). Develop a plan for what you'd do if you were both car jacked, the victim of a home invasion, or in the midst of an active shooter incident. Its the harsh reality of life in the USA that gun violence is so rampant. Whatever happened to good old days of fist fights?
Whenever I come down into the states, it is forefront in my mind that I am no longer in Mayberry RFD (Google it) which is how I feel life is like where I live now. It is dangerous having so many guns out there in the hands of unstable people, pissed off people, jealous people, vindictive people, intoxicated or high people, suicidal people, homicidal people, revengeful people, serial killers, disturbed terrorists, gang members, and I'm sure there's more. And because of that, I seriously doubt I will ever move back to the USA again. As much as I truly love America and miss my family and many friends in the states, I just can't imagine life sweeter than Vancouver Island.
Thanks for sharing that resource.
I'm glad you've found your sweet place. :)
Thank you for sharing, seriously. I guess I never thought about those scenarios before. I am sure, and given your related experience you would agree, most people don't.
Yes, for sure. And I LOVE your Substack Marc! :)
This means everything - thank you so much. This journey has been fun and healing. I appreciate you for joining us!
Oh, great recommendation. I'm excited to check it out.
Holly, this is an incredible piece of writing. I’m so deeply sorry you experienced this—and so grateful that you decided to share your powerful perspective with us. ❤️