"By the time I’d made it to this pool, I’d known intimately the sexual violence perpetuated by a culture that equated heterosexual desire with the male gaze and a religion that equated purity with worth. I was only beginning to learn that my yearning was not the problem." I'm impressed how you moved from the particular to the general and then back again, as if tying up the thought with the tight string of your lovely prose.
That was great! Loved the line about the male gaze, religion purity and worth. I really enjoy your story writing Holly, it flows so read-ably. Thanks.
There are so many difference across cultural boundaries (and so many similarities of course), but the American attitude to nakedness and the body is perplexing to me. The English are also verging on puritanical. But here in Sweden nakedness has, for as long as I've been here (20 plus years), been pretty much accepted in sauna's and the like. No big deal. It's a body. It's changing though. Regressing to the puritanical maybe?
I know, right?! Americans are so weird about nudity. I remember this time in Jersey as the key moment when I realized this oddity and it started to dawn on me how unhealthy it seemed and that I wanted to manifest in myself a different response to my own body and bodies and "imperfections" and all the crappy layers around it.
That makes me sad to think of a regression to puritanical views in places like Sweden.
I think some of it (most of it probably) is the association of sexuality with nudity. Which is just weird because total nudity in public is very non-sexual. Then I get the feeling that power and patriarchy and the male gaze mixed with Christian values about sex and purity etc. etc. leads to a very confused state about the body and the self and ownership and all this stuff.
So you end up with these very repressed attitudes, and then on the other hand you get a country (the US) generating massive amounts of sexualised imagery and pornography and the celebration of extreme gender signalling with hyper-masculinity and hyper-femininity. It's pretty strange I think. But you know me, I just think everything is weird 🤣
Maybe the increasing homogenization of Western capitalism has effected Sweden a bit, but don't get sad coz Sweden is still bonkers :)
If I thought I could hold my audience as captive as you have here Holly I would share my own story of frolicking nude under the moonlight! You've just reminded me with your beautifully written recollections... I love the memory almost as much as I loved every word here, especially the last paragraph, so much. ♥️
What an absolute delight to evoke others' wondrous memories. And I happen to know from experience you can hold an audience captive, my friend. Would love to hear more about your frolicking anytime you want to share.
I was thrilled to read that your yearning for freedom has many layers, Holly. While I have never disrobed in the way you wrote about here, I absolutely relate to what you said here — “ It’s about being. Or, like, maybe learning to not need to be seen?” —- I think that idea of learning not to need to be seen, not being so conscious of how others perceive us and just being who are (balls, boobs, bits, and all), is a powerful and liberating notion.
Also, I loved, loved, loved this line —
“All these years later, I can still see the aqua tinged with lemon, the wavy splash of red, a reflection of the poolside umbrellas. I can feel the water softening my skin.”
Hahaha I’m so glad you like that balls and boobs bit, for a moment I actually hesitated to say it, but then I thought, “nah Holly’s cool”.
You can never be over the top when it comes to freedom!
But at the same time, I know what you mean. There are times, I can zoom out and see myself pushing myself way too hard on my skateboard, and I’m like “I am definitely over doing this love your passion thing.” Hahaha :)
Oh Holly, this is such a vivid and smile-nudging chapter. The way you wove your surroundings into it all, almost as if, the more layers you peeled off, the closer, more intimate the world became. Reading this only makes me hungrier for more though! I seriously cannot wait for the full memoir.
And then this just about knocked the wind out of me. YES!!!!
“The song of nearby gatherers—a lullaby of laughter and murmurs and clinking glasses—floated up to mingle with the stars.
I smiled, thinking of the lack of layers between them.”
Yes, that exactly! I do believe it’s both metaphorically and literally true that the more layers we shed the more intimate our connections with all and sundry and with “truth” becomes!
Thank you, dear friend. I can’t wait to share the full memoir. 🥰
I know I am going a bit off topic, but when I read this, and thought of the word naked, I suddenly remembered this. And I thought you would appreciate it. A different kind of naked, raw, exposed, vulnerable, ‘accept me for who I am right now’ , naked.
You may have heard this song and know the story behind it. It is worth listening again, because it breaks you in tiny pieces and puts you back together again. It is stunning and sad and glorious, all at the same time. I’m including the lyrics. I would include a box of Kleenex, but…so I suggest having one on hand.
Oh my god, this is gorgeous, Lor. And the story behind the singer. Just wow. I am so touched that my story brought this beautiful song and these lyrics to your mind and so grateful you shared.
I’m guessing you don’t know, but I’m creating a soundtrack for this memoir—bc readers have shared music it put them in mind of with many of the chapters I’ve shared and other chapters have music in them. The collection is on the preface / TOC / start here page.
For our honeymoon, in 1999, we hiked the coast of Brittany. Parts of the trail ran along the beach. At one beach, there was progressively less clothing the further we went until it became apparent that this was a nude beach. When in France... Swimming nude was the best, but we did get a little burned where the sun don't ordinarily shine. And I lived in Jersey 25 years, but was never nude in public there!
Beautiful, Holly. It never occurred to me that being naked in front of a lot of strangers could really be about "not need[ing] to be seen? At least on the outside." My mother was extraordinarily modest. My mother-in-law (and husband) not so much. I've come a long way, but an experience like this would require a reckoning with myself and my relationship with my body. I love that you made that decision early on. I wonder: Did the experience change your perceptions for good? Thank you for being the bold adventurer you are!
I’m not sure I can say that experience in particular changes my perceptions for good. Though maybe that’s the case. I certainly have enjoyed many a naked swim or dip—in lakes, oceans, rivers, and hot springs—since. And at varying stages of relationships with my body. For me, it’s (you’ll find no surprise here knowing me) freeing and also in a literal metaphorical sense about letting go or teaching myself, nudging again and again toward, to let go so much that doesn’t matter but that gets so much import.
Thank you for reading and for seeing me as bold. I kinda love that. 🥰
Beautiful and sensuous in the most literal way. Until college I lived only in tropical climates and there were lots of nighttime naked swims. Funny that I still have a bodily memory of it that came back so strongly when I read this chapter; it was so long ago. Xo
I liked the way you portrayed your younger self and then as you age, stepping into another feeling about nudity. And then acceptance. When swimming or hot tubbing it does make so much more sense.
And thank you, Jeanine. It can be so interesting to recall the way you saw things at different periods in your life. To try and sit with and commune with the past selves that still live inside you. And then what a joy to have readers to share those recollections and conversations with.
"By the time I’d made it to this pool, I’d known intimately the sexual violence perpetuated by a culture that equated heterosexual desire with the male gaze and a religion that equated purity with worth. I was only beginning to learn that my yearning was not the problem." I'm impressed how you moved from the particular to the general and then back again, as if tying up the thought with the tight string of your lovely prose.
Thank you, Jeffrey. I'm always touched by the thoughtfulness of your comments.
That was great! Loved the line about the male gaze, religion purity and worth. I really enjoy your story writing Holly, it flows so read-ably. Thanks.
There are so many difference across cultural boundaries (and so many similarities of course), but the American attitude to nakedness and the body is perplexing to me. The English are also verging on puritanical. But here in Sweden nakedness has, for as long as I've been here (20 plus years), been pretty much accepted in sauna's and the like. No big deal. It's a body. It's changing though. Regressing to the puritanical maybe?
I know, right?! Americans are so weird about nudity. I remember this time in Jersey as the key moment when I realized this oddity and it started to dawn on me how unhealthy it seemed and that I wanted to manifest in myself a different response to my own body and bodies and "imperfections" and all the crappy layers around it.
That makes me sad to think of a regression to puritanical views in places like Sweden.
I think some of it (most of it probably) is the association of sexuality with nudity. Which is just weird because total nudity in public is very non-sexual. Then I get the feeling that power and patriarchy and the male gaze mixed with Christian values about sex and purity etc. etc. leads to a very confused state about the body and the self and ownership and all this stuff.
So you end up with these very repressed attitudes, and then on the other hand you get a country (the US) generating massive amounts of sexualised imagery and pornography and the celebration of extreme gender signalling with hyper-masculinity and hyper-femininity. It's pretty strange I think. But you know me, I just think everything is weird 🤣
Maybe the increasing homogenization of Western capitalism has effected Sweden a bit, but don't get sad coz Sweden is still bonkers :)
Delighted to hear it—the bonkers bit anyway. ;)
If I thought I could hold my audience as captive as you have here Holly I would share my own story of frolicking nude under the moonlight! You've just reminded me with your beautifully written recollections... I love the memory almost as much as I loved every word here, especially the last paragraph, so much. ♥️
What an absolute delight to evoke others' wondrous memories. And I happen to know from experience you can hold an audience captive, my friend. Would love to hear more about your frolicking anytime you want to share.
♥️
I was thrilled to read that your yearning for freedom has many layers, Holly. While I have never disrobed in the way you wrote about here, I absolutely relate to what you said here — “ It’s about being. Or, like, maybe learning to not need to be seen?” —- I think that idea of learning not to need to be seen, not being so conscious of how others perceive us and just being who are (balls, boobs, bits, and all), is a powerful and liberating notion.
Also, I loved, loved, loved this line —
“All these years later, I can still see the aqua tinged with lemon, the wavy splash of red, a reflection of the poolside umbrellas. I can feel the water softening my skin.”
:)
Balls, boobs, bits, and all! Why is this not the title of this post?! Brilliant, Michael. Thank you.
My yearning for freedom is indeed multilayered. I thought as I was writing this, my goodness it's maybe a bit over the top. Hahaha.
I appreciate you my friend. Thank you.
Hahaha I’m so glad you like that balls and boobs bit, for a moment I actually hesitated to say it, but then I thought, “nah Holly’s cool”.
You can never be over the top when it comes to freedom!
But at the same time, I know what you mean. There are times, I can zoom out and see myself pushing myself way too hard on my skateboard, and I’m like “I am definitely over doing this love your passion thing.” Hahaha :)
😄
Soooooo vivid and absorbing!!! You’re a marvelous writer!!!
PS. I knew you'd like this one. :P)
Thank you, my friend!! I appreciate you mucho!! ♥️♥️♥️
Just wow, Holly. An incredible read - I feel soothed and empowered all at once!
Soothed and empowered. Swoon. Thank you, Rebecca. That warms my heart.
Oh Holly, this is such a vivid and smile-nudging chapter. The way you wove your surroundings into it all, almost as if, the more layers you peeled off, the closer, more intimate the world became. Reading this only makes me hungrier for more though! I seriously cannot wait for the full memoir.
And then this just about knocked the wind out of me. YES!!!!
“The song of nearby gatherers—a lullaby of laughter and murmurs and clinking glasses—floated up to mingle with the stars.
I smiled, thinking of the lack of layers between them.”
Yes, that exactly! I do believe it’s both metaphorically and literally true that the more layers we shed the more intimate our connections with all and sundry and with “truth” becomes!
Thank you, dear friend. I can’t wait to share the full memoir. 🥰
I know I am going a bit off topic, but when I read this, and thought of the word naked, I suddenly remembered this. And I thought you would appreciate it. A different kind of naked, raw, exposed, vulnerable, ‘accept me for who I am right now’ , naked.
You may have heard this song and know the story behind it. It is worth listening again, because it breaks you in tiny pieces and puts you back together again. It is stunning and sad and glorious, all at the same time. I’m including the lyrics. I would include a box of Kleenex, but…so I suggest having one on hand.
https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=KdIhq1tb8Co.
Here is the translation:
Listen to me
Me, the half-singer
Talk about me
To your loves, to your friends
Tell them about the dark-eyed girl and her crazy dream
What I want is to write stories that reach you
That's all there is to it
That's it, that's it, that's it, that's who I am
Here I am, even if I'm afraid when I'm naked
Here I am in the noise and in the silence
Look at me, or at least what's left of me
Look at me, before I hate myself
What can I say to you that another's lips won't tell you?
It's not much, but all I've got I'll put here, here it is
Here, here, here, here's who I am
Here I am, even if it's all over now
It's my mouth, it's my cry, here I am too bad
Here, here, here, here I am
Me, my dream, my desire, how I die, how I laugh
Here I am in the noise and in the silence
Don't go, I beg you, stay a long time
It may not save me, no
But I don't know how to do without you
Love me like you love a friend who's gone forever
I want you to love me because I don't know how to love my contours
That's it, that's it, that's it, that's who I am
Here I am even if I've been stripped naked for good
Here I am in the noise and in the fury too
Look at my eyes and my hands
Everything I've got is here, it's my mouth, it's my cry
Here I am, here I am, here I am
Here, here, here, here
Here it is
Oh my god, this is gorgeous, Lor. And the story behind the singer. Just wow. I am so touched that my story brought this beautiful song and these lyrics to your mind and so grateful you shared.
I’m guessing you don’t know, but I’m creating a soundtrack for this memoir—bc readers have shared music it put them in mind of with many of the chapters I’ve shared and other chapters have music in them. The collection is on the preface / TOC / start here page.
What a delight to add this one.
Thank you, Lor. 🎶♥️
Well then, I have one more I think you’ll love. My favorite rendition; a song that always touches my heart, I’m guessing, yours too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKQSlH-LLTQ
"Both Sides Now" is on my top 10 songs list for sure.
Thank you. ♥️
Holly, you are a marvelous storyteller. I’ve never felt safer as a woman or freer as a primordial being than in places of shared nudity.
Right?! Never “safer as a woman or freer as a primordial being”—exactly! Beautifully said.
And thank you, my friend.
A beautiful post and, as usual, a fantastic reading.
Thank you, thank you, Donna. I appreciate you very much. ♥️
Same same
For our honeymoon, in 1999, we hiked the coast of Brittany. Parts of the trail ran along the beach. At one beach, there was progressively less clothing the further we went until it became apparent that this was a nude beach. When in France... Swimming nude was the best, but we did get a little burned where the sun don't ordinarily shine. And I lived in Jersey 25 years, but was never nude in public there!
Hahaha! There are likely fewer places where public nudity is socially acceptable in Jersey than along the coast of Brittany.
What a wonderful honeymoon! I love it.
Thank you for asking the question!
Beautiful, Holly. It never occurred to me that being naked in front of a lot of strangers could really be about "not need[ing] to be seen? At least on the outside." My mother was extraordinarily modest. My mother-in-law (and husband) not so much. I've come a long way, but an experience like this would require a reckoning with myself and my relationship with my body. I love that you made that decision early on. I wonder: Did the experience change your perceptions for good? Thank you for being the bold adventurer you are!
I’m not sure I can say that experience in particular changes my perceptions for good. Though maybe that’s the case. I certainly have enjoyed many a naked swim or dip—in lakes, oceans, rivers, and hot springs—since. And at varying stages of relationships with my body. For me, it’s (you’ll find no surprise here knowing me) freeing and also in a literal metaphorical sense about letting go or teaching myself, nudging again and again toward, to let go so much that doesn’t matter but that gets so much import.
Thank you for reading and for seeing me as bold. I kinda love that. 🥰
Beautiful and rich and full-inhale/exhale. I even forgot you were in Jersey — which I suppose is the point.
Hahaha. Indeed.
Thank you, Matt. 😉
Beautiful and sensuous in the most literal way. Until college I lived only in tropical climates and there were lots of nighttime naked swims. Funny that I still have a bodily memory of it that came back so strongly when I read this chapter; it was so long ago. Xo
Yes, I know what you mean. I’ve had many a naked swim, day and night, since this moment. And the visceral memories are wonderful
How lovely to have formed such memories in tropical climes! 😊
The beauty of the writing, the paradoxes--and this memoir that is so brave and moving.
Thank you, Mary!
I appreciate you to the moon and back, dear friend. 🥰
I liked the way you portrayed your younger self and then as you age, stepping into another feeling about nudity. And then acceptance. When swimming or hot tubbing it does make so much more sense.
It does.
And thank you, Jeanine. It can be so interesting to recall the way you saw things at different periods in your life. To try and sit with and commune with the past selves that still live inside you. And then what a joy to have readers to share those recollections and conversations with.