Holly, this was beautiful. Your reflections are so heartfelt. The writing is incredible. And the way you explore the nuance of going it alone is wonderful. A great piece.
Below are a few lines I really liked, (but there were many more):
“Their arrival is the breeze to the embers of her eyes.”
“Our need for others is written on our bones, which can’t yet hold us up.” — such a good line!
“Carroll urges us to remember these women’s stunning feats of athleticism with a description so gorgeous it lassoes a sorrow from the hollow of my belly.”
Thank you, Michael. This piece was a difficult one to write—in that it took a lot of circling to discover what was emotionally true about the topic (and a lot of revision) 🤪 I wanted to capture the uncertainty of how I feel about going it alone and “choice” and all of the influences and nuances involved.
I always appreciate your feedback and ability to point to lines I loved writing. ♥️
Beautifully written. I'm often struck by the irony that I have a partner and kids while my sister is single and childfree. She has always loved kids and got far more attention from boys growing up. While her single/childfree status is not entirely by design, she has learned to lean into it and take full advantage of her freedom. I know she's also lonely sometimes. Meanwhile, I yearn for solitude and even amongst the bustle of family, I'm sometimes lonely, too. Whatever path you take, or find yourself on, there are trade-offs, always.
Thank you, Kerala! Yeah, I kind of went in with an even more grass-is-always-greener bent on the first couple drafts of this essay. Then as I kept revising, it whittled down to what feels like a more central question to me (so I'll probably write about it again and again). Starting with the given that those twin flames burn in all of us--love (care, need to belong to others) and freedom (need to belong to self)--and adding the given that life simply doesn't just fold out "entirely by design" as you put it well, how can I frame what I feel about my unpartnered life? How can I honor both my loneliness, my yearning, and the way I have and can continue to fill that longing with and without a specific type of partnership?
And yes, most of my dear ones who are partnered, I know, long for solitude, and loneliness doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how many people are around us. So glad to be sharing in this way here and for readers and fellow writers to contemplate life with. LOVE your recent post on underrepresentation of middle-age women, btw!
OMG. Such good stuff. Fine writing. Love your mind! Loved hearing your voice, too! How do I share or restack this article without sending an email to my whole list? Through notes?
Thank you, Vanda. That’s such a beautiful, wonderful compliment.🥰
I share others’ pieces by hitting the restack button (the two arrows that make a circle). You can do it with or without a note. Either way, it shows up in your note feed but doesn’t go out as an email.
I appreciate the nuanced approach you took in this essay, examining many aspects of being without a partner and I recognize it's not always a choice. Freedom looks different to everyone, just as love does. Compromise comes through aspects of being alone, just as it does in partnership. If we are lucky?? (not sure of what word to use) being in or out of relationship is about intention even if it's not always our choice. Our intention to be solid within ourselves (as best we can, which I know is sometimes wobbly) to move toward or away from another in strength.
I often wonder if the grass is always greener on the other side but I think that likely comes down to personality. I am a middle-aged (beyond that actually😁) woman who has been with the same guy for 30 years. Before him, I had many partners so have somewhat surprised myself at being monogamous for this long! I am happy in this relationship while at the same time wondering, occasionally yearning, to be on my own. To be free. Yet, if I was free I likely would not want to be. It's my personality! Argh, being human is tricky!
Choice is a funny thing. We can not have (or have) what we want through choices we made that were right. We can choose how to look at what we have (or don't) I love this--our intention to be solid within ourselves--as a framework for the choices we make in strength. I'm going to keep that with me. ❤️
I think for many, many of us, at least to some degree, there's a greener-over-there element. It's hard not to wonder what if. We're a curious creature by nature. And we can feel lonely smack-dab in the middle of a partnership or full and complete in the middle of nowhere "alone." It's my personality, too! Tricky indeed. Thank you for sharing.
this is a beautiful piece, Holly – love the reflections on the tension between partnership & independence, belonging & solitude
"As deeply as our need for others is etched into us, the urge for flight, for independence, tumbles rapidly on its heels, clumsily pulling itself up and away." ❤️🔥
Thank you, Cissy, for your kind words! I so appreciate you coming over and checking this out (plus adding some great title ideas ;).! There is such a tension there between our need to belong--to others and to ourselves. At least there has been for me.
I feel this deeply, Holly! And what it means to hold that duality of both belonging to ourselves and to others & giving ourselves the permission to renegotiate and course correct if we find ourselves out of balance
Thank you for sharing, Holly. I find that I am almost never lonely when I am out in the wilderness "alone" without the option of connection with other humans. However, put me back in cell range or a room full of people and I can feel incredibly lonely. Maybe you experience something similar at times? I appreciate your writing and honesty, even if I don't always make time to reply. I especially loved how you "told us something without telling us' last week.
Oh, man, isn't that the truth?! That's another topic I'd love to meditate on further--the way the wild fills that connection piece. Perhaps a distinction between solitude and aloneness.
I appreciate your replies whenever you have time to make them! And thank you for noticing that telling without telling last week. It's a topic I want to write on more. I'm easing into. Wanting to be sure I hold in care and respect everyone and the myriad deep emotions involved. :0)
Holly, this was beautiful. Your reflections are so heartfelt. The writing is incredible. And the way you explore the nuance of going it alone is wonderful. A great piece.
Below are a few lines I really liked, (but there were many more):
“Their arrival is the breeze to the embers of her eyes.”
“Our need for others is written on our bones, which can’t yet hold us up.” — such a good line!
“Carroll urges us to remember these women’s stunning feats of athleticism with a description so gorgeous it lassoes a sorrow from the hollow of my belly.”
Thank you, Michael. This piece was a difficult one to write—in that it took a lot of circling to discover what was emotionally true about the topic (and a lot of revision) 🤪 I wanted to capture the uncertainty of how I feel about going it alone and “choice” and all of the influences and nuances involved.
I always appreciate your feedback and ability to point to lines I loved writing. ♥️
I think you captured it all very well :)
Beautifully written. I'm often struck by the irony that I have a partner and kids while my sister is single and childfree. She has always loved kids and got far more attention from boys growing up. While her single/childfree status is not entirely by design, she has learned to lean into it and take full advantage of her freedom. I know she's also lonely sometimes. Meanwhile, I yearn for solitude and even amongst the bustle of family, I'm sometimes lonely, too. Whatever path you take, or find yourself on, there are trade-offs, always.
Thank you, Kerala! Yeah, I kind of went in with an even more grass-is-always-greener bent on the first couple drafts of this essay. Then as I kept revising, it whittled down to what feels like a more central question to me (so I'll probably write about it again and again). Starting with the given that those twin flames burn in all of us--love (care, need to belong to others) and freedom (need to belong to self)--and adding the given that life simply doesn't just fold out "entirely by design" as you put it well, how can I frame what I feel about my unpartnered life? How can I honor both my loneliness, my yearning, and the way I have and can continue to fill that longing with and without a specific type of partnership?
And yes, most of my dear ones who are partnered, I know, long for solitude, and loneliness doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how many people are around us. So glad to be sharing in this way here and for readers and fellow writers to contemplate life with. LOVE your recent post on underrepresentation of middle-age women, btw!
Beautiful, Holly. Now that I stop to think of it, I prefer “having” years to “being” them.
+1 to all of this! What a gorgeous piece, Holly.
Maddie, thank you. :)
Me too! I really love to think of years/age this way--how much the years you have contain in them. ♥️
OMG. Such good stuff. Fine writing. Love your mind! Loved hearing your voice, too! How do I share or restack this article without sending an email to my whole list? Through notes?
Thank you, Vanda. That’s such a beautiful, wonderful compliment.🥰
I share others’ pieces by hitting the restack button (the two arrows that make a circle). You can do it with or without a note. Either way, it shows up in your note feed but doesn’t go out as an email.
This is a brilliant piece Holly, thank you!
I appreciate the nuanced approach you took in this essay, examining many aspects of being without a partner and I recognize it's not always a choice. Freedom looks different to everyone, just as love does. Compromise comes through aspects of being alone, just as it does in partnership. If we are lucky?? (not sure of what word to use) being in or out of relationship is about intention even if it's not always our choice. Our intention to be solid within ourselves (as best we can, which I know is sometimes wobbly) to move toward or away from another in strength.
I often wonder if the grass is always greener on the other side but I think that likely comes down to personality. I am a middle-aged (beyond that actually😁) woman who has been with the same guy for 30 years. Before him, I had many partners so have somewhat surprised myself at being monogamous for this long! I am happy in this relationship while at the same time wondering, occasionally yearning, to be on my own. To be free. Yet, if I was free I likely would not want to be. It's my personality! Argh, being human is tricky!
Thank you, Donna!
Choice is a funny thing. We can not have (or have) what we want through choices we made that were right. We can choose how to look at what we have (or don't) I love this--our intention to be solid within ourselves--as a framework for the choices we make in strength. I'm going to keep that with me. ❤️
I think for many, many of us, at least to some degree, there's a greener-over-there element. It's hard not to wonder what if. We're a curious creature by nature. And we can feel lonely smack-dab in the middle of a partnership or full and complete in the middle of nowhere "alone." It's my personality, too! Tricky indeed. Thank you for sharing.
this is a beautiful piece, Holly – love the reflections on the tension between partnership & independence, belonging & solitude
"As deeply as our need for others is etched into us, the urge for flight, for independence, tumbles rapidly on its heels, clumsily pulling itself up and away." ❤️🔥
Thank you, Cissy, for your kind words! I so appreciate you coming over and checking this out (plus adding some great title ideas ;).! There is such a tension there between our need to belong--to others and to ourselves. At least there has been for me.
I feel this deeply, Holly! And what it means to hold that duality of both belonging to ourselves and to others & giving ourselves the permission to renegotiate and course correct if we find ourselves out of balance
Yess!! Giving ourselves the permission to renegotiate! Well said.
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!!!
Thank you! I so appreciate your saying so. :)
Thank you for sharing, Holly. I find that I am almost never lonely when I am out in the wilderness "alone" without the option of connection with other humans. However, put me back in cell range or a room full of people and I can feel incredibly lonely. Maybe you experience something similar at times? I appreciate your writing and honesty, even if I don't always make time to reply. I especially loved how you "told us something without telling us' last week.
Oh, man, isn't that the truth?! That's another topic I'd love to meditate on further--the way the wild fills that connection piece. Perhaps a distinction between solitude and aloneness.
I appreciate your replies whenever you have time to make them! And thank you for noticing that telling without telling last week. It's a topic I want to write on more. I'm easing into. Wanting to be sure I hold in care and respect everyone and the myriad deep emotions involved. :0)