Xavier Gadfly & Jessica Jane
5x5 with Mr. Troy Ford on Our Writing (and Spy) Origins and What's Next
Yesterday, I posted part I of my exchange with
, who you can (and must) find at Ford Knows. What a delight to receive your feedback. We’re excited to share part II today. And I have only the tiniest bit of regret that I didn’t suggest calling this exchange “A Spy for a Spy.” Plus, scroll to the bottom for a follow-up audio chat where we discuss other fantastic serials on Substack.Mr. Troy Ford melds fiction and real life, inhales the muse’s incense, and launches QStack
HS. In part I of this exchange, we talked about the mirth that can be found in your writing. You do a stunning job maintaining this tone in personal pieces, gorgeously painted, that depict painful moments. A prime example is “SMALL FAVORS & Rude Lessons,” on your return to the United States after living on a US Air Force base in Saudi Arabia from ages 7 to 13, “unused to the trials your average American public school kid would have already suffered.” You’ve also shared that Lamb was inspired by a real-life event and relationship but eventually became what it wanted to be, neither character resembling you or your friend. It can be hard as an author to not keep forcing a piece into your original vision. How does letting the wants of a piece work for you? How do you let go and let it steer?
MTF. I’ve started at least a dozen novels and many more stories over the years, and always some essential flame would flicker and go out after thirty to fifty pages. I could not breathe them back to life for love or money because I was always trying to recreate the cocoon of fantasy that reading wove around me during an emotionally austere childhood. The fantasy genre was my escape to a better place, and I was trying too hard to recreate that in my own writing as a security blanket, and it was all very wooden.
That shifted when I started writing realistic stories that more closely resonate on the same frequency as my actual life. Inevitably, it’s been characters who speak to me from the page, who demand to be given voice in a way I was not allowed to as a kid and a young man, that enable a process of empowerment driving my writing now. When I let those characters speak, I align with my stories—rather than trying to force my stories to align with some vision of nurturing or happiness I didn’t get—and they stay alive over the long process of drafting, revising, and editing.
The fantasy genre was my escape to a better place, and I was trying too hard to recreate that in my own writing as a security blanket, and it was all very wooden. That shifted when I started writing realistic stories that more closely resonate on the same frequency as my actual life. —Troy Ford
HS. Tell us about the Song of Myself thread and the coming 🏳️🌈Qstack, a directory of LGBTQ+ writers.
MTF. I’ve avoided direct discussion of politics and world events in Ford Knows because I’m so exhausted by the toxicity of the discourse. I’ve been going through an intense period of self-reflection over the last couple years, including getting sober and therapy, and I haven’t wanted to give oxygen to conflicts far beyond my control.
Two things I realized could be very beneficial for me and others were a sustained exploration of spiritual connection, and a platform and safe space for queer people on Substack, which I have found sorely lacking in its current configuration. Walt Whitman’s “barbaric yawp” sprang to mind as I was imagining a kind of primal howl against the current state of the world, and when I saw the poem it comes from—“Song of Myself”—is composed of 52 verses, and that the University of Iowa’s WhitmanWeb project had done a very similar weekly exploration of this quintessential poetic vision of self and spirit, I felt called to commit to a year of weekly meditations on each verse. So far, the discussion thread “What we talk about when we talk about ‘Song of Myself’” is mostly me rambling, free associating, and letting the week’s passage speak to me, with a few friends popping in to inhale the muse’s incense along with me. I’ve thought about maybe using it as the kernel for some larger exploration I might publish, but no promises.
Meanwhile, Qstack was inspired by Winston Malone and J.M. Elliott’s The Library, a directory of fiction they started because fiction isn’t getting the exposure a lot of other categories of newsletters do. I realized the same thing is going on with LGBTQ+ writers—there is no LGBTQ+ category at all, and finding other queer writers with keyword searches is very hit and miss. A directory will help us find each other in one place, and I hope to highlight some of the great queer writers here with guest posts featuring their work. So far the response has been very positive, and I’m looking forward to debuting the Qstack directory June 1st, with monthly posts welcoming new writers and showcasing our stories and issues that concern our community. And Allies are very welcome to submit guest post ideas, and get listed if their work advocates for the queer community!
Two things I realized could be very beneficial for me and others were a sustained exploration of spiritual connection, and a platform and safe space for queer people on Substack, which I have found sorely lacking in its current configuration. … I’m looking forward to debuting the Qstack directory June 1st, with monthly posts welcoming new writers and showcasing our stories and issues that concern our community. —Troy Ford
I learn my spy name, become myself, and tumbleweed with intention
MTF. In “YOUR TURN. Roles from Childhood Chapters,” you were, “A top-secret spy awaiting activation. I’d dart unobserved across a freshly mowed lawn to crouch along a rock wall, bend under leafy arms toward a heady carpet of fallen crab apples to ‘tie my shoe.’ Finding new routes to school or the park or friends’, I’d marvel at the spidering outward of these streets to more and more—all the while pulling wisps of conversation and plot from lilac-scented breeze to be secreted in the lined pages of my notebook.”
As a child, I read Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh and absolutely fell in love - I kept a notebook, I hid in bushes and trees observing people, I gave myself a pen name: "Xavier Gadfly." It was the start of a lifelong wish to be a writer. Did you ever read Harriet the Spy and is this a reference to her? Where does your writing motivation come from - what’s your why?
HS. Xavier Gadfly! I love picturing young Xavier. You know, when I wrote about walking around, notepad and pen in hand, I saw a fleeting image of a book that had inspired my desire. Only now that you mention it am I fairly certain it must have been Harriet. What a fun thing to share. I want to give my child spy a name so she and Xavier can meet. I always chose the alternative name Jessica, so let’s take liberty with time and call her Jessica Jane.
I, too, knew, at a young age I wanted to be a writer. In earlier years, I’d have spoken of a desire to create worlds, to capture visions, to be among those who record what will remain after our fleeting lives. Now, I’d say my true why through line remains in tact. To paint the world the way I see it with tools that I love, words, and put those creations out there is to explore the creature that is me and, thus, become more fully me. I think
may have helped form that notion with a note he made on his why. talks about how the world needs for us all to fall deeply in love with ourselves. Maybe writing, if I do it honestly and full-throatedly, is the best way I know how to do that.In earlier years, I’d have spoken of a desire to create worlds, to capture visions, to be among those who record what will remain after our fleeting lives. Now, I’d say my true why through line remains in tact. To paint the world the way I see it with tools that I love, words, and put those creations out there is to explore the creature that is me and, thus, become more fully me. … Andrea Gibson talks about how the world needs for us all to fall deeply in love with ourselves. Maybe writing, if I do it honestly and full-throatedly, is the best way I know how to do that. —Holly Starley
MTF. “I don’t want to be ‘good.’ I want to be real. I want to invent new steps.” This is from “The Fistfight.” What “new steps” are on the horizon for you that you want to share? Are there whole new vistas you know you want to explore? Or do you let your feet and fortune lead you forward?
HS. I’ve often moved a bit like a tumbleweed. That has served me. And a greater level of intentionality is guiding my steps these days—though that might not be apparent from the outside. What I mean is this, I have only a vague idea of where I’ll live this summer. And some unexpected “health stuff” may have some say. I’ve loose plans for the Baja Coast in fall with Ruby the van and a couple of canyoneering buddies, South America without Ruby but with two friends from the road for a bit after that. Fortune will lead me forward on those accounts. Sounds tumbleweedy still, eh? Here’s what’s different. I know my why.
As for my writing life, intentionality is taking the lead. And honestly, what best serves it will be the biggest deciding factor. I’m working on a book proposal and draft of a memoir chronicling the birth of my daughter when I was seventeen, her adoption, and our reconnection eighteen years later and hope to seek an agent soon. Much is on the horizon for my Substack editorial calendar. More essays. More intros to amazing humans like this one. More workshops to share what I’ve learned over decades of an editing career about how to craft our way to the vision we’re bringing to life. The connections I’ve made here, along with the opportunity to evolve my writing skills and share I’m ready to step away from for now have been exactly what I needed.
And we chat serials on Substack
Get Your Serial On
’s Harmony House’s In Judgement of Others’s Unfixed’s Sernox’s No Way Home’s (Re)Making Love’s Cured’s Finisterre (Love and Loss on the Camino de Santiago)’s series on falling in love with Mexico Troy Ford’s Lamb
Holly Starley’s Walking the East Coast
Who else? Drop a link in the comments.
This collab is the third in a series called 5x5. Part I of our convo dropped yesterday. Discovering brilliant minds, hearts, and voices has been a love of mine since I started devouring books in my Jessica Jane years. The ease of connecting with writers whose work I love on Substack is magic. Can’t wait to share more writers I love and think you may love too. If you think we should get a 5x5 on—writer or not, Substacker or not—let me know by hitting me up here.
Wanna support my work financially without opting for a paid subscription? Smash the button below and pick a tip amount to tell me you dig this work and wanna vote for more.
 | A guest post by
|
I feel so much safer and braver knowing that Jessica Jane has my back in all things writing and spying... With love, Xavier Gadfly
I just saw this! Thanks for the shout-out!